Make that three. Tomorrow morning I am sure to be a big, blubbering mess. There have already been a few sniffles and some tears but I probably won't bother with make-up tomorrow as it will surely prove futile. Luckily Tim can take them to our sitters in the morning so I won't have to intensify the heartache that will cloud the day.
Here's the kicker: even with the tears, I know that going back to work is the right choice for me. I love my job. I love that I get to be an educator at home and at work. A great friend of mine once time told me that I am a meta-educator. While she was sincere, I'm pretty sure that she meant that I challenge people by telling them what I think and press them on why they think it. No matter how it's meant, I dig the label and know it to be true. So not only do I get to educate for a living, I also really like the work I do. There is definitely minutiae that annoys me but in the end I like the people I work with and I get to be mentally stimulated. And even that minutiae secretly makes me happy because I get to channel my tasks into lists and I really love a good list!
And that's why I can finally forgive myself for the realization that I am happy being a mom who works outside of the home. Yup, I said forgive myself. Since the moment I had Evangeline, I have engaged myself in this endless inner struggle about whether or not I should quit work and be a stay-at-home-mom. I have been ruthless towards myself and equated my desire to continue my job with being a bad mom. How could I possibly be the mom I want to be if I am not willing to spend all the time I can with them? My own mom stayed at home with me until I was five and did so lovingly. Do I love my children less than my mom loved me? Unfortunately, the whole mommy wars evokes this opinions sometimes.
Here's the thing, though: I want to be a happy mom. More than anything, I want for Evangeline and Wyatt to have a mom who loves her life and therefore imbues them with the same sense of wonderment of being human. And to do this, I want to work right now. I'm not saying I won't change my mind but I feel so productive when I achieve the perfect balance of my chosen and acquired roles: wife, mom, professional, daughter, sister, friend. And don't we all--SAHM and WOHM--want the type of peace and joy that balance brings?
Earlier in the summer I borrowed a book from my stepsister titled THE IDLE PARENT (check it out--challenging to a lot of reflexive, ingrained beliefs). In it the author reminded me that the idea of a woman not working outside of the home was brought to us by those pesky Victorians. Oh I love those pent-up, girdled, worried about what their neighbors think of them Victorians*. The notion was that only the richest of men could afford to have a wife who did not have some type of income. Imagine that! Women being treated as status symbols and not viable, independent people.
And the whole point of this for me is that I need to realize that choosing to be a working mom does NOT mean I love my babies less than a SAHM. Each choice comes with challenges and rewards and we need to feel good about which one we pick so that our children realize that a happy, fulfilling life is about making good choices for us and those that depend on us.
What helps me with this, too, is seeing my friends who are working parents and looking at how attached to them their kids are and how much they thrive under their parents' loving care. I will think of them often tomorrow as I look at the clock almost as much as I will be looking at pictures of my sweet duo and love that I will get to see them very soon.
*I actually mean this. My undergrad degree is in English and my focus was Victorian literature. Some of my favorite memories are of sitting in a Victorian literature seminar discussing delicious books with their delicious characters and delicious metaphors.
